Emotions

We all survived Green Fast Day and were so pleased when the next day arrived and we were about to eat solid food again. I was surprised that I didn't feel more hungry and my insulin intake reduced dramatically. So as a detox it was fine and once a week whilst I am here is more than enough. I cannot promise that I will do it at home, but we have a cooking demonstration next week and I am sure I have seen nutrition somewhere on the schedule. So watch this space - never say never.

Today, my knees and joints are killing me. We have been sitting cross-legged for a week now and my knees are complaining. Our asana practise this morning was the toughest it has been for me and as we have a lot of theory sessions today I am finding it tough. My spirits are still high though. This is an amazing experience. I have been on a few courses in my time, looking at management techniques, leadership skills and specialist women's events, amongst others - but there has been nothing like this. There is something about the Ashtanga asana practise in the morning that gets your body racing. I have never sweated so much in my life and, if you can contain your disgust, imagine me practising so hard that my mat is so wet with sweat that I slide to the floor. The breathing techniques and meditation practise really bring you peace and this combination then provides you with an inner stillness which fortifies you throughout the day.

We have been here a week now and I can't believe it has gone so quickly. The days are long and packed full but I don't feel tired. I feel alive and am awake by 5am every morning and ready to go to the studio for our session. My thoughts are clearer and my health is better than it has been for years. I feel at peace, a fact that some of you who know my manic side well may find rather surprising. This is certainly a life changing experience for me and the course stirs the emotions from deep within and they come flooding out.

In my first meditation session we started with breathing before we went to the mediation aspect. My bum was killing me from sitting down for so long - about 30 minutes - and I thought I was going to die as the concrete floor pressed into my sitting bones - but then an amazing thing happened. As Sonja told us to focus on the sushumna and push the energy out of my spine into the universe I entered another place. It was like golden clouds and I felt as if I was looking through my own eyes and standing in a cliff like place and it was amazing. It felt so beautiful and I was in awe. I then started to feel the tears rolling down my face - strong emotions were stirring. I could hear Sonja talking through the meditation asking us to focus on different parts of the body. I could hear the kitchen pans clinking and clunking and I could feel a fly walking along my arm but I could not feel the pain in my bum, my arms or my legs. There was nothing there and I felt as if I could have stayed there for a long time. The clouds then moved and darkened a little and I could see face like shapes in them - just the same way you see faces in clouds here which then moved upwards and I descended back down in time for the session to end. 'How, did that go everyone?" she asked and several people explained their experience, whilst I sat in the corner and silently wept. As you have already heard that silence is not one of my virtues and it was perhaps the fact that I was silent brought me to Sonja's attention. 'Janet, How are you? Are you alright?" I just cried and cried - I don't know why and there is no sense to it. It was emotional, it was beautiful and it was amazing. As someone who is unsure about the existence of God, it was very unexpected.

I really didn’t know what to expect the next time we meditated and I was full of excitement and anticipation, yet fearful that nothing would happen and I didn’t want to be too disappointed. When I pushed the energy up my spine I again lifted upwards but this time the space was purple and although it had a feeling of clouds I felt I was more on a ledge as opposed to a cliff. I saw a door handle with a square knob and most surreally a closed eye with a long eyelash, like a false one. I felt calm and soothed and it was nowhere near as emotional as the previous day. Again I couldn’t feel my aches and pains and it felt like a good place to be, however I didn’t stay as long as my first time and after about 10 minutes I could hear Sonja focusing our attention on each part of our body and the dull pain settled back into my sitting bones.

The next meditation session was held by Nana who, much to my relief, had us walking around very very slowly, barely putting one foot in front of another whilst we focussed on a mantra. I chose my friend Betty’s favourite quote from Confucius “It doesn’t matter how slowly you go as long as you keep moving” and this worked for me. I tried to focus on the sensations in my feet and it was much less boring than it sounded and the ten minutes went very quickly. I had no real Nirvana moments but at one stage the floor went lilac. Afterwards I felt quite relaxed and refreshed.

The following day was Gita’s birthday (a fellow student) and we stood in a semi-circle and tried to think of unconditional love with the intention of bringing that love into our heart before pushing it upwards to an angel and then back into Gita. This is when it all went wrong for me. All I could think of was my mum. She loved me so much, so unconditionally and even though she died three years ago, I still miss her so very much. I couldn’t stop my heart filling with sadness and I just could not capture the happy feeling that this love gave me, only sadness at it’s absence. No matter how hard I tried I could not release it and when we finished I was aware that yet again tears were streaming down my face. In fact they have started again now as I write this. It is so powerful.

Zen was the subject of our next meditation session. We had to sit still, no movement and slowly count 10 breaths and then start again with our eyes very slightly open. My eyes just did not want to stay open in that manner and wanted to be either open or closed. I would forget that I was only supposed to count to 10 and before I knew it I had reached 30. It was during one of my episodes when trying to sort out my eyelids that I notice the ants crawling along the floor and they really captured my attention so for the final part of the practise I watched as they patiently transported a dead spider across the floor. Fortunately I didn’t get caught but suspect that if Nana reads this she will keep her third, fourth and fifth eye on me next time so shhhhhhhhh …. don’t tell!

We have a meditation session every morning after our early morning Mysore self practise and I have to confess that it has been enlightening and I no longer breathe a huge sigh of despair at the thought of having to sit down and meditate and it is something that I will definitely try to bring into my daily routine. It is said that the more difficult you find it to find the time then the more need you have of the practise though I am not sure how Mike is going to react to my chanting but that will be the subject of another article.

Emotions run deep during a course of this nature. You are stirring up more than physical exercise. We are all a long way away from home and those we love. The asana practise builds your physical body and the meditation alongside the breathing techniques really pushes you into your inner self. We have all felt this tide within us, in one way or another and felt the need to cry in order to find a release. It is a journey of self-discovery and not for the faint hearted. Fortunately I feel I am in safe hands.

Om Shanti